a step you can’t take back

It’s a saturday October morning, 25 years ago.

“Are you sure?”, she held her back againts the other woman while trying to feed that little boy of hers and making a silly face. He laughed.

Natalie, the only family that Sarah has. They spent almost a lifetime together, since their parents lost in the woods on the southern village on their third honeymoon. Police couldn’t find any tracks of them, they were assumed fell off the cliff and swept by river current right to the sea. They spent their childhood living in a foster home, and returned to their old parent’s house when Natalie was 15 and Sarah was 13.

And now practically they’ve been living in that house for seven years. And for the first time Sarah is thinking to leave the house and live with Greg; to pretend that he’s Robert’s father.

“He needs a father.” Sarah answered, bumping her body onto bed and holding the nearest pillow on her side.

“Yes I know, but it’s been a year since you guys talked to each other. I doubt that you forgot the reason why he left town and left you.” Natalie moved her body and facing Sarah.

“I remember it clearly. But before me, he would do the same thing. I’m pretty sure that he fucked all the girls within 10 miles radius in the neighborhood, including that lame girl, Amy.”

“Before you.”

“But he knew that it was only a one night stand, and I was drunk. His fault that he didn’t drive me that night. I mean, John is totally hunk. It was like winning the ticket into Charlie’s factory.”

“And what if he’s John’s?” Natalie is pointing to Robert.

“I’d rather raised him by myself. But still he needs a father. And Greg is the perfect profile for him. He’s smart, funny… He’d be a great father for Robert.”

“And what are you going to tell him..? that suddenly you realized the he’s the father?”

“I’ll tell him that I found out two weeks after we had our last sex, which actually only couple of days before I did it with John. And I didn’t know how to tell him, until Robert has finally born. And I missed him, too.”

“And you think he’ll buy it?”

“Well, robert has his nose and a little bit his eyes.”

Both staring at Robert’s face. Natalie continue feeding Robert. While Sarah left in silence, thinking on how she could convince Greg.

so you find yourself at the subway, with your world in a bag by your side, and all at once it seemed like a good way, you realized it’s the end of your life, for what it’s worth

here comes the train upon the track, and there goes the pain it cuts to black, are you ready for the last act, to take a step you can’t take back

take in all the punches you could take, took ’em all right on your chest, now the countless back is breaking again, again for what it’s worth

here comes the train upon the track, and there goes the pain it cuts to black, are you ready for the last act, to take a step you can’t take back

did she love you? did she take you down? was she one her knees when she kissed you r crown, tell me what you found

here comes the train upon the track, and there goes the pain it cuts to black, are you ready for the last act, to take a step you can’t take back

back, back, you can’t take back, back, back, so you find yourself at this subway, with your world in bag by your side

don’t believe in stars

It’s a sunday afternoon in 2010.

I lay my head to the chair. ‘Water‘ by Brain Crain is softly played in the background; the purpose is to make me feel a lot more relax. But, this is already the sixth session, which means I’ve sat on the same chair, in the same room, listened to the same music for the past five sessions, and the music is no longer helping me to relax, not to mention my condition, that doesn’t get any better.. at all.

And as usual, I stare at the ceiling while waiting for him to come in. I disgrace this room, which walls covered up by mirrors. Either he’s intended to hit all the patients like me back to reality and to realizing that we’re just a few minutes away from death if we don’t make any progress, or he’s just simply stupid to make us more frustrated by showing our pale skin-covered-bones through these fucking mirrors.

There’s not much to see on the grey-painted ceiling. So my mind flew back to around 8 months ago. As I remember, it was a cloudy afternoon in January. The snow still covered up the street. I got 4 layered shirts and jacket on my body. Up until now, I can’t have the right words to express my feeling about winter. All I know is that I like to have a good reason to cover my body with shirts and jacket, but somehow by having all those shirts and jacket wouldn’t make me look better, but still they can cover up this insecure and deluded mind of mine very well.

It was 3pm when I headed home. Just a few blocks later, I stop and stood up trying to make sure that it was him. Andrew was kissing this girl, on the porch of that yellow-roofed home. It was Samantha, the kind of that popular chick whom always available to every hot guys in the neighborhood. Andrew is definitely not one of them, his body not even muscly. He’s just a regular guy with average type of body, nerdy, the guy who is meant for a girl like me. How could she take him away from me!! And suddenly I hit by a fallen tree and a car all at the same time, or at least that how I felt when I saw him kissed that slut.

And since then, instead of moving on, I was obsessed to compete with Samantha and ended up with bulimia.

I pull my head off from the chair, as he walking in. Mr. Nicholas, a middle aged guy with grey hair covered up his head wearing a small reading glasses, that kind of glasses that you can buy in the bookstore.

“Miss Emily Brody, how are you?”

“….”, complete silence and put that not interested look on my face.

“Well, you look good, shall we start?” a rhetorical question finally came up.

see the things about hometown, people dying just to stick around, but I was never good at settling down

I’m just sipping this Manhattan, and I’m thinking about your laughing, and how everything can’t stay, and I don’t believe in stars

they say you show up on occasion, maybe the weekend we should meet, maybe it ain’t in the cards, ’cause I don’t believe in stars.

and I’m so far and I’m scared, no one else can make you care, don’t spare us the details

see my life in an awkward phase, my happiness don’t translate, call me up when you feel the same, say you don’t believe in stars

say you dont’t believe in stars

and I don’t believe in stars, at least not that kind, the ones we look up to, they don’t need shining, and we don’t believe in stars, they don’t even try, they just show up at night, don’t even know it’s dark

don’t believe in stars

Hold me til’ the morning comes

It was a monday October, 25 years ago.

Sweat dripping off from his forehead. A quarter-aged guy stood up in front of the public phone trying hard to think, literally trying to believe on what he just heard on the phone; “he’s yours. he’s your baby son!”

He pulled his jacket, while deciding on how to react. Unable to hold a smile on his face; gazing a picture of a baby boy with a fair skin tone and slanted eyes smiling at him. But just like trees washed away by the tsunami, his happiness disappeared within a second..

It’s been a year. Things could happened in a year, people changed in a year. His heart was broken which made him gave up his faith and met a guy, in a year. His life turned from a promiscuous heterosexual into a committed homosexual, in a year. And now he has a son. God must be joking, a bad one!

Half hour passed, and he finally got enough courage to make the call.

“I finally returning her call..”, Greg said doubtfully.

“So…?”, Tom asking on accross the phone.

“I happened to be a dad. I need some time.. alone.”

“……..”

“Tom, please…?”

“Oh yeah sure, take your time Greg, just know that I love you.”

“Yes.”, he put off the phone, and hold up for a second thinking to call him again and told him how much he loves him, too. But he knows that it wouldn’t make things better.

two broken hearts, neither one knows what to say, both falling for love, but not quite all the way

look at us now, reaching back for yesterday, and wanting to know, if the other wants to stay

after all, I’m the one who said we’re through, now I can’t live without you anymore, and out there lost is a dream that can’t come true, is it worth the reaching for, do you need me anymore, Darling

hold me till the morning comes, until I see your smile, take all the sadness from your eyes, hold me till the morning sun, let me stay we’ve just begun, I wanna stay with you

well, shall we start, a tender world that we can share, and if we believe, in time we will get there

look at us now, wanting more than words can say, both falling in love, but this time all the way

out there lost, are the words I still love you, are they worth the reaching for, do you love me anymore, darling

Would you love me in the morning, would you still be there in the morning, or would you leave without a warning, say you love me too